It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
