I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
