I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
