I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
