At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
