You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
