i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
