Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
