she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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