Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My vagina just clenched in fear
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
