I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
