now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
