So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
