hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
