Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
