The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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