Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
