remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
