I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
