if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
