o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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