I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
