I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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