Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
