I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
