The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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