You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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