He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
