my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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