Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
