Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
