Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Are my feet made of real feet?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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