We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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