How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
