oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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