She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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