First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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