i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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