I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
