A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
