i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Randomize
