i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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