capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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