Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize