I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
