Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
