thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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