if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
