Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
