The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
