My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
