I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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