i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
