Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
