How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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