After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
