We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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