I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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