In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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