Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize